I wish you nothing

I wish you nothing

 

I loved you so much that I married you, took your last name, and had four children with you. I will never forget how you made feel so loved. I felt like the only woman in the world. You only had eyes for me. You proposed to me in our favourite harvester restaurant, we were both dressed to the nines as it was also our datenniversay and we intended to have dinner and catch a film. I was so happy. I, of course, said yes before you finished the question and everyone in the restaurant clapped. One older couple said how beautiful and adorable we looked together, and our marriage will last for life. I clung to those words for many years to come and truly believed. It was not a smooth ride our marriage; but we were both hardworking and had a unified vision for the future – make as much money as its physically possible, have a few kids, and then you’d return to high education, get a great job and we would all move back to our home country. Only though, one of us had no intentions of keeping their words. You opted to enrol at university before we ‘had-made-the-money… something we sooner than later realised was almost impossible when living in London and having babies all over the place. In 6 years we had 4 kids all under the age of 5! To say our life was mayhem was an understatement. Parenting by confusion good fortune by accident!

 

So I had to support us all. We decided it was best if I worked nights so I can stay with the kids during the day and you at night. The downside to this was that I never slept, ever. For over 8 years I never had more than two hours sleep, I had to make do with naps here and there throughout the nights and days. You on the hand thrived. You completed your degree with honours, went on to do a sponsored master course (that’s how good and promising you were) and PhD.

 

When you finally finished your PhD, you got a great job that took you out of the country. Finally the dream was coming true, I thought. You couldn’t get a better paying job back home, so we decided to go where the money was, in the hope that we would realise our dreams sooner.  It goes without saying that I had to quit my job, pack the kids up and hell out of London and follow you.  Our (our – said lightly coz other than the surname they hardly knew you) kids had to change school and their way of life and make new friends, luckily kids are resilient and they did adopt quickly, but I didn’t. There was not a single soul in that country who could speak same language as I, and I speak 4 languages!! However, I decided to try and assimilate and adopt this way of life and learn the language, it was easier for the kids because they were still very young and absorbs information like sponges. I couldn’t find work, so I had to be a stay-at-home mum and by this time, the kids hardly needed me 24/7. I was beyond bored but happy in the hope that our future’s future could not shine brighter! I often wondered if I had returned to university and secured the ‘expat’ job if you’d have adjusted for me, or you’d have convinced me to live in a suitcase ‘for the sake of the children’, now I realise that thought is not worth pursuing.

 

No sooner had we learned the language and made a few friends than we had to move again, because (my love) you got promoted and you had to move to yet another country to head the office there. We followed. This cycle was to continue for 21 years, but I got used to it and pride ourselves in the fact that we have lived in on every part of the globe, have raised wonderful kids, and we could speak a good collection of languages.

 

Now the kids are all grown and living out their lives all over the globe and doing really well. All the hurt, the anger or animosity or jealous I sometimes feel towards you evaporates when I look at our beautiful children, at least I can thank you for marrying me young. I now have a whole life ahead of me, as our youngest child keeps reminding me – I think she was affected the most by the death of our marriage.

 

Our beautiful home was complete and we could retire comfortably and enjoy round the year sunshine. We vowed to soak ourselves in the sun to compensate for the times we froze our arses in the Scandinavian landscape.

 

One evening I was at home (with few of our closest friends and family and your children and their better halves) waiting for you to come home to a surprise birthday party, to cut a cake and celebrate your 60th birthday. You never showed up.  A few hours and several phone calls later, everyone left and promised to call back to find out if everything was ok. I stayed awake for as long as I could, I worried sick, I called other people we knew but no one knew where you were. I had a sickening feeling at the pit of my gut but I refused to believe your absence was anything short of been robbed off your phone, money and car and most likely abandoned half naked in Karura forest – that would be the only sensible explanation as to why you didn’t come home and didn’t call, I consoled myself.  I hoped the new day would bring better news and you safely back home. I was about to go to bed  albeit staying awake deep in prayer, when you texted to say you are running an errand and will be late “don’t wait up” you said. Who runs errands in the middle of the night, I wondered. I couldn’t let my mind wonder and/or wander too much though in case that persistent thought I had been experiencing lately came to invade my sanity.  I was not ready. However, the gut feeling refused to budge, I was intelligent enough to know something was up. The ‘feeling’ intensified when I thought of the last 5 years, you hardly talked to me; mostly you talked at me or around me but never to me. You were always on your phone texting but never talking though you giggled to yourself a lot, this made you look ridiculous giggling like a 16-year-old fool in love. You were always so ‘knackered’ to cuddle up in bed or do anything else. I know we were nearing our retirement age but I thought this is when life starts – secured good retirement plans, grown up kids, mortgage paid and a few investments all over the place?

 

A few months later you told me that you wanted to visit our daughter in New York. I volunteered to come with you because I missed her too and I thought we needed a city break away from the sticks. You declined, saying you also had other businesses to tend to and that you seeing the girl was because you’d be in the city!! You had become quite arrogant in your old age!! It didn’t sit right with me, so I made my own arrangements. I followed you to New York. You met and had lunch with our daughter once the whole month you were there. You stayed at an apartment in the West village owned by a woman slightly older than your daughter. She had a 5-year-old child. This child resembled one of our sons at that age. It gave me a chill, but still I refused to accept the ‘feeling’. Was this child yours? I wondered.

 

Two years later, you asked for a divorce. The naïve me refused to accept it was finally happening; but the sensible me knew (deep down) it was a matter of time, as with all things. You told me you had another person (when you said person, I secretly hoped it was a man then I could blame it all on your hidden sexuality {no such luck}) in your life and she had two young kids. You wanted to be with them. You promised to continue financially supporting our kids still in university, but after that all ties will be cut. I was too horrified to protest. I could not understand why you wanted to do the diaper thing all over again (though you hardly did for your big kids). It made it clear that the issue was not for discussion, so, I said goodbye and wished you nothing.

 

Now as I sit on my porch watching my (our)grandchildren play in the white sand, I feel nothing but joy but still wish you nothing.  I won’t love you but I can’t hate you either, I’m indifferent; I won’t wish you evil but I can’t wish you well either, I’m indifferent; I choose to remember happy times albeit selectively and avoid sad times indefinitely. I used to think you were my soulmate and the love of my life but you’ve proved me wrong. Goodbye you son of someone, I wish you nothing.

7 Comments

  1. David T Mbogori

    Ouch!! Painful this…. Well, no divorce is pleasant at all.

    Reply
  2. Iryn

    Breathtaking… had me glued

    Reply
  3. mukami

    Poignantly put. Sad sad tale and happens too much these days. Hv found guys telling same story…

    Reply
  4. Pali

    These story sends chills down my spine am scared of marriage you meet someone love him he proposes you accept and promise s to love and cherish you,support him towards achieving his dreams and goal later on he stabs you on the back and demand for a divorce since he sees your Bollinger good enough for him after being there for him when he had nothing on top of that all cheats on you with much younger lady and have a son with her then ask for a divorce I can’t take that either

    Reply
  5. josh

    Very convincing,for a long time, i had forgotten that it was fiction!!! You have an amazing imagination!I think that it is appropriate that she wishes the guy nothing!!! There is in my mind a natural justice…. He should always watch his back…..

    Reply
  6. lucy

    Comment…soo painful In deed. what could be the problem. many marriages undergoing the same hell.

    Reply
    1. Lisa

      Dear sis. Thank you for putting this so eloquently. I have live it, loved it and hated so! but if nothing else but the children, it was well worth it!

      Reply

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