Valentine’s Day extravaganza and the singletons.

“Genesis 29: 20 – So Jacob worked seven years to pay for Rachel. But his love for her was so strong that it seemed to him but a few days”

Walking down the high-street on the weekend before Valentine’s Day for singletons, is like walking down the aisle in an abattoir – impending death! The nauseating red and pink array of merchandise and crap lining the streets – oh yeah ‘spend more money on things you don’t need!’ You know how sometimes life punches you in the freaking face, and you have to sweet talk it like you would a maniac holding a knife to your neck, to leave you the heck alone? Well, the weekend before Valentine’s Day is exactly that. No wonder some singletons, who shall remain nameless, have decided they’d sooner eat their own feet than go on another date, just so they can have someone on Valentine’s Day. Having said that, everyone knows that dating is fun – dinners, movies, first kisses, flutter in stomach when a text comes through, first touch, first meet my friends and family etc: most people live for this you know, we call them serial daters darlins, or whatever.

There’s nothing worse though than going on a boring or near-death experience date just to keep up with the jones. I heard of this woman who went on a date with a super freak who talked about nothing but his job and car, and then half way through dinner he decides to have a go at a waitress for being too slow. She couldn’t wait to get out of there – if someone can’t understand that restaurants are busy during Valentine’s marathon and that a waitress is not the chef, well, that person does not deserve to take people on dates or people to accept h/her invitation to dates. And word to the wise to all you eligible bachelors, never ever diss a woman to impress another woman – big no no.

I don’t understand this pressure on single women, (surprisingly not so much on men hmm), to be with someone on valentine’s day or any other day for that matter.
“Awwwww, honey you are spending this year’s valentine’s day alone…… again and for the seventh year? Awww.” They exclaim with heads cocked to one side and with upturned smiles.
Your first thought would most likely be, “I’ve been single for as long as I’ve known you and now you are worried because it’s VD? Piss off!”
But instead you smile and say, “I haven’t met Mr right yet, but I know he’s just around the corner.” Yeah right – round the corner as in abracadabra on a M&S mannequin that you saw last week and wished you had a boyfriend with that kind of physique. The elusive Mr right is a myth just like Mrs right – don’t they say no one is perfect? Or that applies selectively to other situations? Hmm food for thought.

Society is probably to blame for this epidemic of ‘why are you still single’ extravaganza. I read somewhere that in the olden days (very olden days) they used to set spinsters on fire: over 40 and single? Burn bitch. “OMG what the hell,” I thought. The horror wave that rippled through me when I read that article, would have caused a raging tsunami everywhere. Thankfully in these modern times, they don’t burn singletons, instead they make them feel guilty and ashamed. They whisper to each other “so and so is still single, can you imagine?” – as if being single is a crime. This, of course, is projected at women (mostly); men are seen as ‘playing the field’ or ‘eligible bachelors’, and their singletonship is something to be revered. The word spinster doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as the word bachelor, maybe the creator of the word misspelt sinister. When talking about single men they talk of bachelor pads and bachelor rides, but when it comes to spinster – house full of cats and car full of junk food wrappers, mwahahaha…. Sexism much.

For most people this might sound like yet another sob story by singletons and their spokespeople: it’s not – most singletons have decided a no date on Valentine ’s Day is better than bad romance, which most women endure all their lives, just so people can see they have a man. Hooking up with another singleton to indulge in generous amounts of chocolate, good wine and food that is bad for you, is apparently the new religion. Even hitched up girls ask to be invited to these valentine’s dos because ‘every day for a non-singleton is valentine’s day!’ Right?

I hear Valentine’s Day themed stuff is a multimillion pound industry. Big stores are also capitalising on the other side of VD a ka singletonship – “if you haven’t got a date, we have meal deals for one – champagne, steak meal, cake, snacks, flowers and DVD for just £17.99,” they coo on TV and radio weeks leading up to VD. I probably shouldn’t use VD as short for Valentine’s Day……

Most singletons have also devised unique ways of dealing with the multimillion pound onslaught. One popular and widely practiced method is the one-woman protests – not venturing into the VD isles in shops and supermarkets, or booking a table for one at an exclusive restaurant and reveling in the looks of sympathy and wonderment. Things I hear…

However, do not be fooled – despite popular belief – think Destiny’s Child Independent woman and all that – singletonship is not fashionable, it sucks. Absolutely everyone need or wants someone, even if it’s someone to argue and fight in public with. Most singletons will want you to believe otherwise, but the truth is that these singletons want someone to call ‘my something’. In the meantime though, the most autonomous singletons out there have plumbers on call 24-7 to snake the drains every now and then.

Enjoy Valentine’s Day dear esteemed readers wherever you are whatever your status.

As for the image – please don’t shoot the messenger.


  1. These spinsters are becoming very sinister to have a plumber on 24/7 call is that the new 99 nine number its true what they say men are from mars women are from venus

    • Hello can i have an ambulance ! Sorry dial nine nine nine for emergencies this is pimlico plumbers and heating ,Did u need a plumber ?

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