How to get rid of telemarketers

A few years ago, I received a phone call from a number I didn’t recognise. I answered it anyway, in case my family had sent someone with goodies from back home: I was also bored.

“Hola?” I answered faking a Spanish accent. I wanted to pretend I was the housekeeper, but then, a more insidious idea formed in my damn mind as soon as I realised the caller was a telemarketer.

“Hello!” a friendly male voice said. He had a sexy scouse accent. Kenyans have nothing on this guy.
“Hello. Yes. Can I help you?” I feigned friendliness.
“My name is Oliver Carter-Jones. I’m calling from Vodafone. How are you today madam?” he cooed.
“Oliver Carter-Jones?” I said excitedly. “Wait a second …. You sound familiar….I know you.” That excited him, and he replied animatedly in a sing-song voice. “Yes yes, that meeee!”
“OMG Ollie, how are you? Long time you don’t call me. What I do oh?” I replied in severely broken pidgin.
He was momentarily confused and didn’t speak for several seconds.

“Heeelloooo…” I bellowed.
“Ehm…. I’m still here….. and eh, ahh, I’ve been good…. The reason for my call…”
I interrupted him mannerlessly.
“Olllie! It’s you! Yes! Oh, thank you, my sweet Jesus, Ollie! Why you dump me now o? Eh? WHY?” I screeched and started to cry.
“Wait what? Please, I think you are mistaken. I am not THAT Ollie. I work for Vodafone and wanted….”
“It’s you o! You said you loved me, Ollie. I gave you my everything, but you rip me apart. You sang that song …my woman my everything…. for me. My heart is bleeding Ollie. Why? WHY??!”
My sobbing was uncontrollable at that moment.

“Lady please, I don’t know…”
“Lady?” I screamed. “You call me by my name before!! Ahh ahh Ollie o. I am not crazy in love. I just need to see you one more time. One more night. Remember our nights together? I think all the time about those good times. Please o!”
“I AM NOT Ollie!” he said softly trying not to lose it.
“Eh? What now? You lie…… You think I don’t recognise your voice, Ollie? We dated for 7 days!! It was the best time. I will never forget you. But why you leave oh? What I did wrong o?”
“Madam, I will terminate this call now. And I recommend you speak to someone. A professional therapist maybe… coz….. you have issues!”
“It’s ok Ollie, you can insult me oh. I bet Gemma is a better woman than I was. Do you remember that……”
“Arrghh…. fucking crazy bitch ……”
Click! the line went dead. Three minutes of my life that I will never get back.

It’s been years since Vodafone called to see how I was doing – I suppose word got around. Amazingly, now I think about it, all telemarketing calls ceased but I get a lot of mental health flyers through the letterbox! Mmmmm…..

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