“Sometimes you can only find Heaven by slowly backing away from Hell.” – Carrie Fisher
This is the hardest post I’ve ever had to write. It took a lot of courage and soul searching to put it in words. Ladies and gentlemen… I’ve been having an affair – the most scandalous affair in history. The affair has been going on for well over 20 years. I am having an affair with a person with multiple partners. For privacy purposes, I will address this person as Incredible Hulk (IH) though far from being incredible. Don’t get me wrong – I hate this person and this affair and in fact, have broken up with this person many times. But you see, and this is not an excuse, this person knows how to lift me up when I’m down. The person knows how to keep my secrets and our hide outs. This person takes me to places no other person on earth has taken me. The person knows when to be my fluffer and pacifier. The person, however, is a miser who doesn’t spend a penny on me – I foot all the bills. There’s another huge problem with this person – apparently the person is rumoured to have committed several murders – but still I love being with this person.
The last time we broke up [due to pressure from family and friends] I missed the person terribly. But my family and friends assured me life could go on without being shackled to this person, and for a while that was true. But then I went through a life-changing event and the first person I thought of calling was this wanker. Everything was falling apart until the person pacified me, stroked my ego and altered my thinking. The light at the end of the tunnel returned brighter than ever, and I basked in the glory and presence of my master. I devoured the tender touches, the gentle kisses, the delicious smells, the lovely deep-eye-contacts and the sweet nothings whispered in my ear – I took it all and then some. It didn’t last long – in no time I felt rotten and murderous: at this point you might be wondering “why the hell don’t you just dump the person’s sorry arse?” Believe me when I tell I have tried, and all indications are that we are addicted to one another – it’s like heroine.
I don’t talk to my friends and family about this person because I know they will judge me especially after they made such a big deal the first time. They will tell me off for being stupid and used. They will tell me things I already know, and I will hate hearing these things and I will hate them for being right. I never take this person to social gatherings for same reasons as above – people will judge and condemn me, some will defriend me, others will call my mum (I can’t have that!), others will disrespect me, others will say they’ll pray for me and others will use me when I’m overdosed with love from this person. Others [few] know for a fact that I will embarrass them after moments with the person. You see also in these gatherings I might bump into some of this person’s other partners and I hate them as much as they hate me: I like my face and would like to keep it that way because confronting this person’s other partners, esp. in social gatherings, means cat fights, scratches, bites, punches, teeth pulling and any destruction that can be visited on a face/body.
This person proposed once, looking like butter won’t melt – the proposal turned my blood into ice. I had to make a quick getaway into the toilets and vomit. I was dumped unceremoniously for saying no, and I loved every minute of freedom from the loser. For several years I was free and happy – my skin shone, my face glowed, my eyes brightened, my lips rosened, my hair and nails grew, my cup size doubled, my hips filled up, and my waist line expanded – I was eating my way into depression and to fill the void. In a moment of self-pity and self-loath, I made the unfortunate decision to call this person who came running. We hugged and kissed passionately for several hours and the feeling was so fulfilling and intense. In the morning that nice feeling had long died and was replaced with nausea and hate. I asked the person to leave. Heavy heartedly the person left but not before reassuring me that I could call anytime. Although I didn’t want to see the person ever again in my life, somehow, I was thrilled to hear those words “anytime” and the words of Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell’s song ‘Aint no mountain high enough…’ played in an endless loop in my mind – as if IH gave a damn about me. One thing is for sure, gullible does not even begin to define me.
At this moment in my life I am not sure if I’m going or coming – the affair is on hold, Mother nature is threatening to unleash another kind of ugly, I am suffering from empty nest syndrome – one of my trusted confidants suggested binge watching Scandal as a way to alleviate loneliness: I did, but watching Olivia Pope transition from a white hatted angel to a red horned devil was no fun. Fact remains that this affair is a disease that I need to eradicate.
Despite the turmoil, I know that one day I will clamber out of this affair and live a virtuous life. I do not know if you have experienced an addiction like this affair. I do not know how you perceive me – if you are judgemental or sympathetic. All I know is that my life brightens in technicolour when I indulge in this affair and when I’m not my life is greyed out, dark and dull.
Most of the world’s loneliest people are battling an addiction – be kind.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Everyone is fighting some battle you know nothing about – do not judge but be kind always.
Be humble and mindful always.