Dirty Dancing

Harmless scenario or assault

It’s the morning rush hour. You are on the London Underground Jubilee line to work. The train is packed worse than sardines. There’s a guy behind you, too close for comfort. You can’t move without sending ‘the wrong message’. He proceeds to press his crotch against your buttocks or lower back [depending on his height]. He starts gyrating, like dirty dancing. His right-hand wanders around your waist hoping to find a way to your upper body. You momentarily freeze. After a few moments of confusion, shock and humiliation, you shout a few choice obscenities at the man; fellow passengers look on but say nothing, others kiss their teeth loudly in disgust, others urge you to report the assault.

You freeze again at the word assault: because this is not the first time it’s happened. It’s happened a zillion times before, you’ve seen it happen to other women, others seem to enjoy it. So, is this sexual assault? Is it still sexual assault if it happens in a nightclub in the form of dirty dancing? You get off at the next stop and report the matter to transport police. One year later, you get a letter telling you that CCTV on the train helped convict the man. Apparently, he was notorious and several women had reported him. He’s now in jail and on the sex offenders register for life. You don’t feel sorry for him, but you can’t help thinking about all the offenders who do this in clubs under the guise of seduction.

In my experience, and this is purely subjective so don’t get your knickers in a twist, there are 4 kinds of men you are most likely to encounter in a club.

The black man

Topping the list is the blatant black man (usually Nigerian or West African or a very brazen Kenyan). This guy walks up to you and offers to buy you and your friends drinks. He’ll ask if the drinks you have on the table are paid for, if not he wants to pay for them and if they are paid for the next round will be on him. You agree because it makes life simpler. If you say yes, you’d like a shot of something, he’ll buy a whole bottle of the something.

He walks away, all the while keeping an eye on you. In case another brother shows interest, he rushes over and metaphorically pees all around you. Now everyone will know you are spoken for and there’s the possibility of you becoming his mistress or second wife or whatever.

The craziest and the most brazen will not go away. He will stick on your side like glue or a husband! No other man can talk to you. It doesn’t matter if you agreed to his offer or not, the fact that he said these things somehow seals the deal. You may try to ignore him, but the minute you move to the dance floor with your friends, he’s there gyrating, pressing something hard on the small of your back. He pisses you off and you tell him so, but he’s decided you are the one; he will not leave you alone until he dances with you, buys you a drink (and your friends) and has your number.  At the end of the night, he will offer to drive you home or pay for your cab, others offer to add petrol to your designated driver’s car. This happens, mostly, to girls with big behinds and / or huge fronts.

The western white man

The second kind is the western white man – English, Irish, French, Swiss etc. This guy will notice you and decide he likes you.  But he will watch you from a distance trying desperately to make eye contact. If eye contact is achieved, he will smile and if you smile back then he knows he can proceed. He will maintain eye contact as he walks towards you. Once he is by your side, he’ll make small talk by complimenting you. He’ll say a quick hello to your friends but will otherwise pay them no attention at all, he will try to impress you by any means necessary. He’ll offer to buy you a drink (and only you) but he will do this gently in case you get offended.

He will ask you to dance and if you stick with him he’ll ask for your number at the end of the night.  If for a brief moment you show him disinterest, he will walk away and will not bother you again. He might also expect you to buy him a drink or at least offer, he will say no and be secretly pleased you are not a gold digger. This happens, mostly, to girls with small everything including (especially) the nose.

The eastern white man

The third kind is Brexit (these are simply black men in white skin). They mostly hail from recently rediscovered European union countries i.e. Albania, Romania, Poland etc. Beware of the Brexit, they fall hard and their love/lust for you borders on obsession. The Brexit will see you and want you there and then. He will try to impress you by dancing like an African, only he looks like a drugged fool convulsing. He won’t ask to buy you a drink, he’ll buy champagne and order you to drink it. He will demand your phone number and address, in fact, he wants to go home with you that night. God help you if you give him your number, he will call/text/facetime incessantly for eternity. This happens to girls with either big behinds or huge fronts but not both.

The East African

Then there’s the Kenyan/Tanzania or East African man. This guy comes up to you and must be the only person in the free world who thinks dirty dancing really close to you without saying a word is sexy.  He doesn’t care what you drink unless he knows you. He will speak to you in Swahili or some lingo for effect, and he will try to guess which tribe you come from, based purely on your looks and build. If you show him any interest, he will pretend to want to buy you a drink later, but somehow he’ll conveniently disappear just before the glasses are empty, and then reappear once the glasses are full.

He’ll come and start dirty dancing you from behind, singing out loud in his mother tongue.  This guy will remind you of the underground perv who sees the gender and not the person, the madman who thinks women are sex objects with no face. I wonder what would happen if you reported him for assault! Would the police treat it any differently because it’s happened in a club? Is it ok for some men to violate women this way because they are in a club?  Is this harmless ‘dirty dancing’ or sexual assault.

Then there’s the insane East African guy, who when he notices the Nigerian showing interest in you, will pretend to be your brother. If the Nigerian buys a drink you don’t like (by accident, e.g. Courvoisier with coke instead of neat, or Nigerian Guinness instead of Irish Guinness) this guy will drink it, nothing goes to waste. If he asks for your number, he might end up becoming your best friend and only then will you see him in a completely different light.

Rumour has it that East African men treat non-East African ladies like royalty!

Beware!

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