In every disagreement with your spouse, remember that there is not a winner and a loser. You must be united in everything, so you will either win or lose together. Work together to find a solution where you both win
Dave Willis
I was in an unhappy marriage for years, I still am.
It was on New Year’s Day when I decided I needed to have an affair. My husband had just announced he was leaving the country, yet again, on a business trip. I was enraged. For years we had serious problems and we had decided the new year would bring happiness and we were both going to put in the effort. I did my part, but as far as I was concerned, he was not doing his part.
My decision to have an affair was based on the rage and the loneliness I felt. One day, I was having my morning coffee when his phone rang. He was in the bathroom. I took it and was about to take it to him when the caller ID had alarm bells going on in a frenzy in my mind. The caller ID read, ‘the police’, so I swiped ‘slide to answer’. Before I could say a thing, a sexy female spoke, “good morning baby, last night was fun!” Blood drained out of my head, but it wouldn’t take Einstein to figure out who that person was. I pressed ‘end call’. I put the phone back where he’d left it.
That was the moment the decision to have an affair was sealed. I also decided not to confront him about his police caller – I didn’t want yet another fight. I wanted to do whatever I wanted. I wanted to do something insane and have total control. In the years we’d been married, I’d surrendered myself to him, I let him control everything about us from finances to friends to how I dressed. I realised, somewhere along my married life, I’d lost my identity and sold my soul.
Later that day I joined the gym and went on a shopping spree. I bought clothes one size smaller. I decided if I was going to have this affair, I needed to look the part.
At first, I was nervous: where do I begin? Where do I find a man willing to have an affair with me? I decided to join a dating site for married people. I found one. I liked the idea that you could choose an avatar for your profile picture – I chose an erotic looking strawberry dipped in red syrup – “saucy!”, I thought. I also chose a slutty username. The site offered total discretion and amazing privacy. Then I waited. Three hours later I opened my inbox. I imagined I’d get a message or two, instead, over 60 messages poured in. My heart skipped a beat – a mixture of excitement and dread. I imagined getting messages from men I knew, or worse my own husband.
Most of the messages were explicit and to the point, no one was pulling any punches – we were here to have affairs, not relationships. Other messages were too vile. One ominous message read, ‘sex tonight?’ I was mortified – I had opened a pandora box. The fact of the matter was, I wasn’t interested in just sex I wanted to have a meaningful affair. Did such a thing exist? I wanted to have a therapist with benefits.
I spent the next several hours sorting out the messages. It was like a full-time job and because I was ‘online’, more messages kept flooding in. My reasoning mind told me to stop, delete the account and find ways to work on my marriage: my emotional mind told me to keep going and take revenge on my cheating husband.
Eventually, I started chatting with the least creepy man. Over the next several weeks we exchanged hundreds of text messages and photos. He was gorgeous. He was in a sexless and loveless marriage. His young children and vast investments were the only reasons he stayed hitched to the woman. I told him my husband was having an affair and I needed to punish him. Some of his texts were entertaining and funny. He said I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. He said all the things I’d ever wanted my husband to say. He even said I was the type of woman that might make him divorce his wife. I was sold. I felt alive. Nothing my husband did irritated me anymore.
The mystery man and I decided to meet in person. He wanted to buy me what he called ‘first date present’ and asked for my bra and panties size. It kind of took my breath away in an eerie way, but I told him anyway.
On the day of the meet, I felt like a young girl meeting a boy for the first time. I tried on several outfits. I was so nervous I couldn’t eat.
“Hey, why are you trying on so many clothes, going somewhere?” my husband asked. “Just getting ready for a life-changing meeting”. I didn’t want to lie, and he didn’t probe any further – he never did.
We met in a swanky hotel outside London’s M25. I arrived earlier because I wanted to spend a considerable amount of time in the bathroom freshening up. Then I went to the bar; when I saw him, my loins fired up and my heart beat violently inside my chest. He was so attractive – hundreds of times better than my husband. He was charming too and had a killer smile. I had to remind myself constantly that he was married with kids and had no intention of breaking his marriage. Ours was strictly an affair. The conversation flowed so naturally, anyone looking in would assume we were a happily married couple. About an hour later, he leaned over and kissed me. I melted. I wanted him there and then. And parts of me I thought died a long time ago, were alive and kicking. We decided to do the rest in a room.
The three hours we spent in that hotel room had more passion, romance, love and fire than my 20-year marriage. However, being married meant we couldn’t spend the entire night. We made plans to meet again in a couple of weeks. I could hardly wait. At the car park, we kissed passionately as we said goodbye. “I had a great time! I can’t wait to see you again!” he said as he kissed me again. “Me too!” I was exhilarated all the way home.
For the next couple of weeks, I thought of nothing but him. If my husband noticed any change in me, he said nothing. I was past caring. I didn’t care if he found out or if he wanted to leave me. I was in love with someone else.
On the day of the meet, instead of a good morning text, I received the most devasting text, “hey, can’t make it today, something came up, will text you later”. I was a zombie all day long. The ‘text you later’ never came. My texts went unread. I felt miserable like someone I loved just died. I was devastated. I also felt humiliated. I stayed in bed for days mourning a love that never was. I felt rejected. I knew he wasn’t mine to claim but it hurts. If my husband noticed my misery, he said nothing. After three days in bed, it hit me, I’d fallen in love with a man who only wanted sex from me. The realisations and devastations kept coming in one after another. I felt empty. And then stupid – cheating on your husband and then failing at it must be the most stupid thing on earth.
I dove into work. I couldn’t talk to anyone about any of this, not even my closest friend – she’d be mortified. I tried the site again, but no one measured up to this man, they either wanted threesomes or some kinky things that just pissed me off. I deleted my profile and was back to square one.
I learnt a few things about myself from this experience:- I never really valued myself, I just let men take control, whether it was my husband or my one-time lover. I let their needs, their wants, their desires, their priorities, their plans have priority over mine. I gave the beautiful man the power to decide we’d have sex on our first day, while I was falling in love with him, he was just after a cheap lay that only cost him a dinner, a pair of undies (which I threw away by the way) and a drive. I felt cheap and immature.
For now, I have decided to take some power back. I will work on myself, then on my marriage before I throw in the towel. I have learnt that life is like a game of solitaire, when you change all conditions (and other people) change.
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Photo – Andrea Piacquadio (Pexels.com)