Betrayal is the only truth that stick. Arthur Miller
A few weeks ago, I wrote about Jacob and how he was betrayed by his wife. It is likely that most of us have been betrayed more than once. Someone you trusted and loved broke the bond of trust by doing or saying something that shattered your faith in humanity. How can you get past the betrayal? How can you heal? How can you forgive and forget? How can you ever trust another person after betrayal? How can you overcome betrayal?
Unfortunately for Jacob, he was past the ‘analyse the situation and act appropriately or accordingly’ phase. He reacted angrily. There are several reasons why some people react like Jacob did, but we won’t get into that now. Having said that, it is well known that the basic animal instinct in most people, is usually an overwhelming urge to retaliate there and then when faced with such situations. Amazingly some people faint, vomit or ran away – the old age fight, flight or freeze biological reaction that takes over the body when faced with an adrenaline releasing situation.
However, once the storm is over and you are in the right state of mind, some process would need to take place for you to move on. There are many theories out there on how people recover after a betrayal or the process they go through to recover. Here’s Things I hear 5 steps to overcome betrayal.
Shock
The first reaction for most people is shock and disbelief. Shock that someone you trusted wholeheartedly could hurt you in the way they did. Depending on the level of betrayal e.g. infidelity, disrespect, lying, wrongful accusation etc, the victim might experience shock. When you trust someone implicitly, it is impossible to imagine that person hurting you, so when they do, the initial feeling is that of shock. Shock not only that they betrayed your trust, but the audacity to do it in the first place.
Anger
This is the aftermaths of shock. When the shock wears off, most people get angry. They fire questions at the wall – how dare they? How could they? They’ll pay for this! Is this how they repay my kindness? Etc. During the anger period, other than the constant questioning, a betrayed person will experience several other emotions – e.g. sadness, fear and insecurity – what does the betrayal mean for you in the future. Disgust – thoughts of the betrayer fills you with disgust and disdain. Shame – this happens when you feel your trust was misguided and how others may view you in light of the betrayal. Loneliness – you might feel no other person could possibly understand how you feel, so you keep things to yourself and suffer loneliness consequently. Confusion – your mind might not comprehend the betrayal.
Mourning
When most of the above emotions subside, you might start the process of mourning the relationship. Just because a person betrayed your trust, your love and care for them doesn’t end instantaneously. When in shock and angry the ‘feeling’ emotion is usually in the back banner and you can’t be sure how you really feel about the person. You may hate them for what they’d done but once the shock and anger wear off, (because it will), then you start mourning the loss of that relationship. You miss the good times you had together – the things you did, the places you visited, the laughter, the companionship.
It is natural and right to mourn the end of the relationship especially if the betrayal was so great it leaves no room for reconciliation. If forgiveness happens there is a high chance the dynamics of any new relationship formed with the betrayer will change forever. For example, infidelity – if it doesn’t end the relationship irrevocably and the couple stays together, the relationship is riddled with mistrust, suspicion, fear and the never-ending thought that it might happen again.
Indifference
Once the mourning period is over, this shifts the relationship to one of indifference. Some people claim to hate the betrayer forever – this only means that they haven’t gotten over the betrayal and are still hurting. If love remains it means there is a possibility for real forgiveness and reconciliation. But feelings of indifference mean there is no love or hate. The person feels nothing for the betrayer. I believe when this happens it means the wronged party has moved on and forgiven with no strings attached. When this happens, the injured party experiences the ‘feeling’ of the energy attached to that person leaving their personal space. When this happens there’s total healing. You can even meet that person in social gatherings and not get the urge to strangle them. You can enjoy their company as long as it doesn’t go beyond ‘the current’ situation.
Afterwards
When you go through the above phases and come out shining, there are a few things you need to do to remain sane and truly move on. You can talk to someone about the betrayal without eliciting any emotions. It is, however, important to talk to someone who is fair and neutral and one who won’t create a new situation. Remember you are only doing this purely for cathartic purposes.
Alternatively, you can reflect on things alone, this means looking inwards to understand the long-term consequences of decisions reached after the betrayal. Reflect on your thoughts, emotions and actions and consider if anything could have been done differently and how to avoid similar in future. Ask yourself one question – will this betrayal matter in 2, 5, or even 10 years from now? Let the reflection be productive and forward-thinking.
If you heal well you can talk to the betrayer, just be sure to structure the conversation on you, not them or what they did.
Betrayal is as human as love and you can’t prevent what you can’t predict.
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