A narcissist’s mantra: That didn’t happen: and if it did, it wasn’t that bad; and if it was, it’s no big deal; and if it is, that’s not my fault; and if it is, I didn’t mean it; and if I did, YOU deserved it!!
Anonymous
I’ve written at least one or two articles about narcissists and/or narcissistic relationships and a lot of you asked for more on this topic.
In our culture, and most likely in all cultures no one is taught how to identify or deal with narcissists. We encounter them every day and everywhere and by the time you realise you are dealing with a narcissist, it’s too late or things have gotten out of hand. Let’s start with narcissistic romantic relationships: remember this story? There are many things this woman could have done, least of all murder: sadly, she went to prison for manslaughter – a story for another day.
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Fun facts
The word narcissist comes from ancient Greece: a man named Narcissus saw his reflection in a pool and fell in love with it, so much so that he spurned any potential love interests and died alone.
Narcissism is a legitimate mental health condition – a personality disorder, characterised by having an inflated sense of self, need for accolade, need to mercilessly use others and a deep-seated lack of empathy for others.
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Managing and maintaining a relationship with a narcissist is difficult because of their extreme need for admiration, their harsh criticism, their lack of empathy and their deep insecurities. Narcissists are not only found in romantic relationships, but they can also be familial, professional, platonic friendships, and even in a community setting, e.g., church, or your intense neighbour. Children can be narcissistic too.
If you recognise you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the best and only thing to do is leave, otherwise, your mental health is at risk. It is much more difficult to break up a narcissistic family member, but you can love them from a distance and set clear boundaries.
To do this effectively, you need to equip yourself with a solid plan, have a grounded understanding of a narcissist typical behaviour e.g., their out-of-control rage and blame, their arrogant attitude, their selfish and manipulative behaviour. In worst-case scenarios professional help is necessary.
Here are 8 TiH ways (based on research) in which to break up with a narcissist, and some of the things to expect because breaking up with a narcissist need a stealth operation.
1 Accountability is alien to narcissists
While most decent humans can have reasonable discussions with you, a narcissist is incapable of being reasonable. S/he, always, has to win, and when they can’t win, they will blame you, abuse you, and label you with anything in their arsenal of cruelty. They will say things like ‘you are crazy and unreasonable,’ or, ‘it’s all in your head!’ With a narcissist, your sense of reality changes with their every mood and words. The best thing to bear in mind is that a narcissist will never be accountable for anything: even when they promise to change and don’t, they’ll blame it on someone or something. Not only are they incapable of accountability, but they are also unreasonable too and will leave you emotionally drained and hurt. The best way to end a narcissistic relationship is to cremate it and obliterate it into oblivion.
2 You are human, and you will make mistakes
However, a narcissist will use the mistakes you make in the relationship as blueprints to treat you like shit. Because of their manipulative nature, s/he will make you believe your mistakes are the cause of every problem you have in the relationship. Amazingly, you know your mistakes are not the cause of your whole relationship problems, so trust yourself and your gut feelings or instincts. A common tool used by narcissists is to distance you from friends and family, and your capacity to reason, so when you get that moment of clarity where you know you have done nothing wrong and the person is trying to pin everything on you, it’s time to take action and stick to it.
3 Some natural laws don’t apply to narcissists
Great metaphysical teachers tell us that if you need to see a change in others, you need to change yourself. This doesn’t apply to narcissists – everything they do is short-lived and usually for their own benefit. No amount of you changing will change them. When they promise ‘not to do it again,’ or ‘to change’ it’s because they want something in return. And most importantly, narcissism is a personality disorder and only they can recognise and make the necessary adjustments by seeking help.
4 No compassion
Narcissists have no compassion; however, they are very intuitive. They can sense when you are on to them. They know when you’ve had enough and when you are planning a swift getaway. This is when they use their manipulative tools to reel you back in. However, if they get the slightest inclination that you are no longer the submissive wreck they hoped you are, they take pre-emptive strike action and break up with you. They also tend to move on very quickly, not because they need or want to, but because it is yet another action to continue abusing you emotionally. Bear in mind though, for them, moving on means finding another person to prey on. They don’t feel guilty because they lack empathy and compassion. They thrive on others’ pain.
5 You are not to blame
Whatever you do, do not take the blame for things, even things you have actual blame for, s/he will use this against you. Dedicate your energy to your healing from this relationship instead of ruminating on the things you may have done wrong. Be kinder to yourself. Taking the blame for a narcissistic relationship is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.
6 You need your tribe
This is the one relationship you need your entire tribe to intervene in. You will need a true and real friend who will point out any self-sabotage moves. Breaking up with a narcissist is hard because he will unapologetically use your past traumas to blackmail and blindside you, that’s why it’s important to have backup people especially ones who can see through him/her.
7 Time is right now
If it feels wrong, it is wrong. There’s no perfect time to end a narcissistic relationship. Trust your gut instincts.
8 Make a list
If you absolutely need proof of why you need to break up with a narcissist you can make a list. Noting down the reasons and examples can help you stay grounded in your reality (not the narcissist’s), but bear in mind showing him/her the list as evidence of why you are breaking up with them is not helpful. They will find a way to turn it into your problem or reason of why.
Notes to remember
It is not unheard of for abusive narcissistic people to use mental health issues as an excuse for their behaviours. Armour yourself with the knowledge to differentiate abuse from mental health issues.
It is essential to remember that however much it hurts to break away from a narcissist, you will be better off without that toxicity. However, if you are in too deep and can’t wilfully break away, seek professional help.
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Image – Sammy Williams, Unsplash