Valentine’s Day can be tough on most people whether you are in a relationship, or not. The single ones might feel worthless, the attached ones might not be happy, and the happily attached ones might be insecure. In these days of reality TV, Kim Kardashian and TOWIE where absolutely everyone looks flawless, many people compare their relationships to what’s portrayed in the media. Most people pray for Hollywood-movie-type romance and end up with Nollywood-type, where 3rd parties play a huge role.
The pressure from advertising is relentless – be it on TV, highstreets, side of buses or flyers through doors – and the expectations unrealistic. Aimed to arouse intense emotions over stuff we feel we need but really we don’t. Whether you are with someone (happy or not), or alone, Valentine’s Day and the build-up to it only remind most people of how lonely or sad they are (and happy for the happy ones). People start to question their social skills which bring out anxieties and depressive moods. And with one in four people suffering from a mental health problem, it’s important to evaluate your romantic life (or lack thereof) fairly and reasonably. Remember, Energy vampires are not just outside influences – your mental inner battles can be as much energy suckers as outside situations and other people. Don’t be too hard on yourself whatever your situation.
Things I read
I read an interesting story. In the late 1800s there was a woman called Ann Dines. She was admitted to Bethlem Royal hospital for psychiatric treatment because she was suffering a mental breakdown due to ‘disappointment in love’.
In today’s society, people suffering from this affliction would not admit themselves to a psychiatrist hospital for fear of being judged as pathetic. Even less would admit to suffering any sort of mental breakdown or ‘insanity’ because of disappointment in love. Many would lock themselves away and suffer in silence while scrutinising every last detail of that relationship, analysing every word, every event and deciding it was their fault the relationship failed.
This valentine’s day why not extend love to someone or anyone without expecting anything in return. Visit that aged neighbour with some shopping. Buy food for that homeless person you see in the street corner. Visit sick children with gifts and spread some love.
If you are unlucky in love, there a few things you can do to stay sane when all around you people are celebrating love; or if you are celebrating love and feeling insecure or threatened; or if you are simply celebrating love.
Reassess and define boundaries
Whether you are single, dating, married, engaged or just enjoying time to yourself, knowing your boundaries can make you a stronger person in turbulent times. Be absolute in knowing what you deserve, what is un/acceptable and your feelings. Learn to say ‘no’ when necessary and how to deal with situations head-on where you feel you should be treated differently. Keep communication channels open with your partner, family, and friends to maintain healthy relationships with them. Be in touch with yourself and evaluate your feelings. Keep boundaries healthy, fair and clear – this will make you feel empowered.
Avoid Social Media
If you are romantically alone, take no notice of social media and what people post. People only post what they want you to see – the picture-perfect relationship, the to-die-for holiday, the god-sent job, the angelic BFFs, the flawless boy/girlfriend etc. Although feeling lonely or loneliness is not in itself a mental health problem, it can be a factor in influencing your wellbeing and therefore your mental health. Loneliness is simply a lack of connectedness with anything or anyone and can exacerbate pre-existing or underlying problems. In the case of Ann Dines, she probably had mental health issues that were brought to the surface because she was dumped or cheated on, or whatever ‘disappointment in love’ meant to her.
So instead of drooling over social media and people’s posts that are, (guaranteed), not an accurate representation of current situations, buy a box of chocolates and some flowers. Visit your nearest retirement or care home and give them to someone. You can take a selfie and post it if you want or if you think it’d improve your self-esteem. Personally, I’d ‘love-emoji’ such a post.
Real love, romance or being romantic differs from person to person
When I was in college, everyone wore red attires on VD and received cards and gifts. I remember one of my roommates received a pink card from her boyfriend and she cried… because everyone else got a red one. She interpreted this as less love – yet today she and that man have been married many years and have a bunch of kids.
For most people in love, VD is just another day because they show their love throughout the year. Other people are not romantic at all on any day and that does not mean they don’t love – they do, they just don’t buy into the whole ‘spend-a-fortune-galore’ to show it. Others want an elaborate display of affection in private and in public – social media is ablaze with their ‘love-achievements’.
Know your other half and recognise their style: their behaviour on VD does not necessarily define their overall perspective or attitude towards romance and/or love.
Expectations
The idea of a Hollywood-movie-type romance is most people’s desire and expectation. When you start a new relationship, approach it with zero expectations. I am not saying don’t be hopeful, but zero expectations mean if you are disappointed it won’t kill you but if you are delighted then you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Needless to say, the efforts required to make a relationship work should come from both partners.
Whatever your status, do not let VD pressure you into doing something beyond your capability or capacity.
‘No regrets’ – the new outlook
For some, VD only reminds them of past mistakes or the one that got away. Be objective and not too hard on yourself because the past is the past and what will be will be. The important thing to remember is that everything happens for a reason. The way is forward and upwards.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you whatever your relationship status.
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