Keep your voice down!

The volume of your voice does not increase the validity of your argument.

Steve Maraboli

I know there are many issues we can discuss.  Issues that are close to our hearts.  Issues that keep us awake at night. Issues that we know if we had superpowers we would do something about.  But today I want, no, I need to take this opportunity to talk about an issue that bothers almost everyone I know, but we don’t often talk about it openly because of political correctness.  The issue is, ‘people talking very loudly on the phone in their lingo in public places’.  By public places, I mean but not limited to: – a bank, a crowded train/bus/tram/tube, the streets, the park, the office, the hospital or GP – the list is endless.

There are some languages in the world that are soothing.  Even though you might not understand what is being said, the flow and rhythm is soothing, calm and makes you smile. Even when people are shouting, it’s more like they want to be heard and not threatening to decapitate anyone.  Italian for example whether spoken (by woman or man) sounds both clear and sophisticated. It sounds almost like music.

When I listen to my people from Tanzania talking in Swahili, they sound like they are soothing one another or comforting one another, and exceptionally polite.  When I listen to my brothers from West Africa or Albania (for that matter), I brace myself for the inevitable battle about to take place.  That goes for most Kenyans too.  It’s impossible to tell what’s happening from facial expressions.  It’s not soothing or calming.

Therefore, it is very disconcerting when a half-evolved giant of man hurtles towards you, eyes wide open, phone glued to the ear, free arm waving madly in all directions, voice to the highest dial in a language that makes you want to choke someone: and for him to stand in your personal space looking wildly at you as if expecting you to say something, as he speaks to the unfortunate soul on the other end, (unfortunate not the operative word as the person on the other end is shouting just as loudly).

You’d be forgiven for thinking the man is about to clobber you.  So, depending on where you are from, you will, a) run away at breakneck speed, b) look at him in a condescending manner while kissing your teeth and rolling your eyes towards the heavens, or c) look at him defeatedly and stay rooted to the spot and let nature take its course – if this is how you are going to die, so be it.

The other day I went to the bank.  There was a long queue with all sorts of people; so, like a proper KenBrit, I joined the back of the queue and pretended to be busy on my phone while wishing I could slip a tenner to someone and jump the queue.  Suddenly a phone rang, and everyone expected the owner to discreetly walk outside to talk or send one those automatic texts ‘can’t talk right now’.  But no, the guy answered by bellowing “hello ….”.  I think he was talking to someone in hell, where it’s incredibly noisy, therefore he had to shout at the top of his voice.

There was a vein on his shiny forehead that looked like it would erupt at any given moment (keep your distance people). Of course, no one knew what he was talking about, though it sounded like he was threatening someone.  His hand gestures were all over the place.  His eyes were wide open, and when the person on the other end talked, he would make guttural noises either to acknowledge or mark as a topic for later discussion, it was impossible to tell.

You could see the disapproving looks from other people esp. the British white people who are unlikely to talk like that in public.  There was a massive gap between the person in front of him and one behind him.  It was like people could feel the weight of his voice on their backs.  The black people in the queue tried to convey to the white people that the phone guy was most definitely not from ‘their’ country.  An Asian guy just smiled, smugly!  At some point the call got disconnected, and he clicked his tongue so loudly, it sounded like someone hit him on the head with a pinging object.

Almost immediately, the phone rang again.  He answered.  At first, I thought it was a different person because he was not as animated as with the first one.  He was answering in one-word phrases (do one-word phrases qualify as phrases?).  Most importantly he was calm, people assumed the call would be short and the queueing would resume uninterrupted.  But then without warning the word vomit happened, the person in front of this man stumbled forward, not sure what he thought was happening but I think the force of his voice pushed that poor guy forward.  The torrential downpour of unintelligible words came out of this man’s mouth.  The phone was literally inside his mouth.  I know for a fact he was threatening whoever called, there was no mistake.  And now everyone in the bank was looking at him with contempt.  Children were hiding behind their parents, and wheelchair users were busy looking for exit routes.  This time, however, the bank’s security personnel asked him (politely) to take his call outside.  He did, but not before giving the guy a dirty look that spoke louder than any words.  He made the ‘kissing teeth’ sound again and left the building.  We could hear him bellowing away, and the echo was heard for several miles and minutes.

The calm returned and everyone seemed to breathe again, it was like everyone was holding their breath, or was it because we could hear ourselves breathe again?  I was embarrassed on behalf of everyone.  I hoped my phone would not ring and it didn’t, thank God.  From that day henceforth, I made a conscious decision to ignore all calls that come to me at the bank, work, GP’s, supermarket, train, or bus.  The only exception is if my mum calls, I must answer her call even if it’s to tell her that I would call her later, and I know if I shout or talk uncouthly she’ll most definitely tell me off.  Sometimes I used to answer a call while driving (handsfree) because I knew I could talk as loudly as I wished in the comfort of my own car but that’s not a choice anymore (I don’t have £200 lying around somewhere for fines). I have also witnessed people talking on their phones from the comfort of their cars and it’s not a pretty sight.

Worse still, it is the habit of talking (loudly) while eating (loudly) while on the bus or train or on the street, and spraying people with debris from your mouth!  I’ll never understand how anyone can eat chips on the tube with all those bodily smells contaminating the food, but that a topic for another day.

To those people, especially black people, yes you black Africans who walk into places, mobile on the mouth, please keep your voices down or shut the hell up! But then again, we live in a country where the ability to speak in any language, at any decibels, at any location and at any length is what freedom is all about – go figure!  Our cities are, however, getting highly gentrified by the second, keeping our voices down while talking should come as natural as queuing!

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