Does creating personal happiness require objectivity or subjectivity?

On self-image

Someone once said, “identify what’s negative in your life and get rid of it.  TiH says identify what you think is preventing you from being your best self and modify it, change it or get rid of it.

A few years ago, I was desperate to add weight (more so to please some relatives), but mainly for myself.  Some of my larger friends thought I was insane to want to add weight.  But, at that time in my life, I’d had it with thin-black-women hurtful jokes.

Fast forward 2 years plus and I am now heavier than I’ve ever been.  I have more kilos in me than when I was nine months pregnant.  My relatives can relax now, though some would like to see more bulge.  And now, I can shop in the adults’ sections or enter plus size shops without feeling guilty and out of sorts. The thinner me would never have walked into a plus size shop for fear of condescending looks and superior attitude from people bigger than me. “What the hell is she doing here?”  I’d imagine them pondering.

However, my quest to add weight overlooked a few realities I only read from Your Fat Friend.  I realised I had curves and folds in areas I never knew existed. I realised now more than ever, I must learn to contend with unwanted attention and backhanded compliments from brethren who believe fat equals happiness and wellbeing. I must contend with jeers and funny looks from people who think fat equals unhappiness and low self-esteem. I must contend with unsolicited advice on how to shift unwanted extra holiday weight. I must grit teeth through painful interrogations and horrendous questions such as:

“My goodness, what happened to you. You used to be so pretty!”  Insults disguised as concerns.

“Did you eat Kenya on your last safari?” they say as they laugh out louder than necessary.
“OMG! you are pregnant!” they exclaim as they feign surprise.

For the ones I tell I added weight on purpose, the horror on their faces is palpable.  “Are you mad?”
I have learned to smile and nod along because I am happy in my body.  I worked hard to add weight almost as hard as others work to lose it.  When I exercise (for keep-fit purposes only) I take protein shakes to restore any ‘weight’ I may lose during such exercise.  I know what you are thinking…. but no.

My biggest worry is the feeling that my body belongs to someone else, and it’s here with me temporarily.  Any triggers and it’s gone never to come back.  The fear intensified one day when I bumped into an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in ages.  Her comments are still reverberating in the depths of my mind.  After saying I looked well, (and failed to hide the scorn evident on her face), she went on to add that ‘being fat is better than being thin because when you age, the skin doesn’t sag so much’. I’m still processing that.

I like this body because in winter, for example, I don’t get as cold – I have layers of fat now and can contain my own body heat without donning countless thermal vests and leggings. At my thinnest, I wore 3 pairs of thermal leggings and a tracksuit and I was still cold.

Now, having been a thin black woman (apparently it’s not natural – I don’t know who decided it wasn’t) and having lived with the insecurities that came with that, I have learnt a few truths: some larger people might not believe there are problems or insecurities associated with being thin: trust me they are many.  For example, some people will attribute your thinness to various things – sickness, witchcraft, mental illness, generational curses, unfulfillment, unhappiness and lack.  When you are thin, you become the butt of endless unfunny jokes about stones being donated to you before the windy season, you know…. to keep in the handbag so you don’t get blown away. At the dance floor, ‘shake tharass!’ is meaningful and people won’t fight the urge to say, ‘rattle them bones’. 

I haven’t lived in my beautiful fat body for long, and some will argue that I am not fat enough or whatever, so I have limited experiences of its insecurities.  I come from a community where fatness is a virtue and I live in a community where fatness is a vice.  I will have to make my own conclusions from experiences on both sides and weigh in the differences.  There’s a Swahili saying – binadamu hatosheki (humans can never be satisfied): some thin people wish they had more meat on, and some fat people wish they had less.  When tables are turned, they are still unhappy with the results: it’s human nature to find fault with whatever one was dealt. If only God created a ‘standard’ with which to measure; He didn’t, he created each and every one of us as unique.

When I was thin everybody worried and wanted me to add weight, but additionally most kept the rumour mill churning with unbelievable tales of why I was so thin.  I even went to see a doctor and hoped he’d find some underlying issue because I ate as much as everybody else.  He didn’t – “you may have high metabolism…. nothing to worry about…. relax.” 

For years I envied curvier women and did everything in my power and knowhow to become one of them.  I am sure I did it for me, but did I really?  Is self-image objective or subjective?  Did other people’s opinions have anything or everything to do with my decision? 

Earl Nightingale says we should all be objective towards ourselves and subjective towards others – food for thought.

However, I am mindful of body dysmorphic people whose views of self are distorted due to a mental disorder and how that perception affects every aspect of their lives.  Some will wonder if aspiring to add weight is body positive, or a form of disorder, or lack of self-worth but if dieting can raise self-esteem so too can adding weight raise self-esteem if that what a person wants.

The jury is still out…. superiority or inferiority complex are simply sides of the same coin.

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