Single parent does not necessarily mean single mother

Any man can father a child, but it takes a special breed of people to be fathers to their children: and for some to take the mother’s role too. Society should celebrate these men and not use them as objects to elicit pity. Single parent does not always mean single mothers.

Things I hear, May 2020

Today’s post is by a renowned Kenyan journalist – bio at the end of the post.

An interesting video clip of man with his two young children under five has gone viral in Kenya. The clip shows the middle aged man trying to soothe his infant child with some milk, while his other child, who seems to be about two years old sits next to the father.

The video was recorded inside their humble abode, where all the viewer can see is a simple bed. The videographer follows the middle-aged man, a boda boda rider – (Motorcycle taxi operator) – to his work station, where he carries the youngest child under his jacket and against his chest while his passenger rides pylon behind him. The picture reminds me of the kangaroo parenting technique used in nurseries to keep premature babies warm.

The man tells a sad tale of how the mother of the children, whom he says had turned to alcoholism, left the hapless children with their father after a disagreement.  

The clip is followed by a whole commentary by people castigating the woman for abandoning her children.  Some chimed in wanting viewers to chip in and help the seemingly poor man raise the children by making a cash donation to some mobile number. Be that as it may, and in no way condoning alcoholism, I find it curiously odd that the sight of a man taking care of his own children would raise such a cacophony of opinions, conjecture and a barrage of accusations against the absent mother. 

As pathetic as the picture may seem, women have been raising children unaided for aeons. More often than not, women who lament the hardship of raising children alone, are reprimanded by society and told to bear it because motherhood carries a huge responsibility. Yet, when it comes down to it, it takes both a man and a woman to make children, so how is it that a man raising his own children is an object of pity, requiring a fundraiser to help him along?

The irony of this is so glaring in Nairobi Kenya, where anecdotal evidence suggests that majority of the children are raised by single mothers.  That is not to say that the fathers are dead or caught up in the rigours of putting food on the table, hell no! Majority of these men are absent by choice; shirking the responsibility of fatherhood. 

But society has been conditioned to think it ok for men to leave and the women to get on with it, but when the woman does it, it is taboo and something for society to voice their distaste about. Single parent has become synonymous with single mothers.

If nothing else, the spectacle on the street of a father and his children ought not to elicit such excitement for the simple reason, as the commentary seems to suggest, that a father now has to bear the responsibility of fending for his offspring. Perhaps their living conditions but even then, it behoves any man or woman capable of siring children, to raise them in some measure of dignity. 

A story is told of a couple who had 3 unplanned children.  The wife, fearing the husband might abandon the large family told him if he intended to leave at some point in the future, to leave there and then, and not later.  The man looked at her and asked why she assumed he’d leave.  The woman said her assumption was based on the fact that more fathers than mothers abandon their children. The man simply told her she had as much freedom to leave as he did.

In my culture we say, an elephant must carry its own tusks, society should applaud the man for rising above and beyond to raise his children and not portray him as a hopeless father in need of pity or assistance. Society should portray him as a good example for all the men who have fled the responsibility of raising children that they eagerly helped bring to life.

Women have been doing all the parenting work while men took the joy ride- being ‘fathers without portfolio.’ Women too should be allowed to take a step back and let fathers hold the fort when it comes to child-rearing because they can. Afterall in this age, society is all about equal rights! Heck men can now have babies of their own to raise in same-sex unions without the help of a woman, except for the biology part- where surrogacy works the magic.

Society should let men, the world over raise their children and take pride in doing so for, the children will grow.  A father who steps up to take care of their children, teaching them all they ought to know about life is a good example to all the absentee fathers out there and society as a whole. They are to be emulated.

I would encourage all men to support those in their ranks doing this with pride and desist from cajoling them, telling them they have been whipped.  They are not. They are changing with the times and that is a good thing.

As for the researchers, journalists, editors and opinion shapers, who think children raised by their fathers with little or no input from their mothers have little chance of survival, (and as one researcher said in an article somewhere in Africa ‘lack proper parental care’): a man such as the one seen in Kenya is out of kilter for being what he should be to his children, go back to the drawing board and come up with better words to describe him. He is one in a million in a country where six out of 10 women are single mothers.  What women can do, men can do too.

By Wanja Gathu

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Wanja is an acclaimed Kenyan journalist with over 15 years of writing and editing experience.  Her work has been widely published locally and internationally.  She writes under the byline: Wanja Gathu.  She has recently ventured into real estate, selling high-value homes in Nairobi and surrounding areas. Next to journalism, and selling homes, she enjoys most being a mother to two wonderful teenage sons. She loves writing, reading and travelling. She is fun and amiable, warm and easy to be around.

Tweet her @Wgathu  

Image: By Humphrey Muleba @good_citizen – unsplash

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