There lives a monster in my head with terrible thoughts

Depression is a serious mental health condition characterised by persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness for weeks on end

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.


Depression is a serious mental health condition characterised by persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness for weeks on end. 

NHs resources

Most people go through periods of sadness or feeling low e.g., after the death of a loved one, losing a job, or money worries, but for people with clinical or severe depression these feelings can last for weeks or even months.  It is worth noting that depression is not a trivial thing or a sign of weakness or something people can just ‘snap out of’, or ‘get over and done with’ – be kind when speaking to someone with depression.

There are several factors that can contribute to depression e.g. poor physical health, familial relationship problems, loneliness, money, work or business-related problems and genetic disposition.  Around 1 in 6 people in England report experiences of depression and anxiety.

However, with the right treatment and therapy, most people can make a full recovery and live fulfilling lives.  The key is recognising you have a problem and seeking professional help. Telling your story, even anonymously, is a very brave step towards recovery.

The story below is fictionalised from real-life experience – some of the dialogue has been modified for entertainment purposes, and to highlight signs and symptoms to send a clear message.  This is Richard’s story of his battle with depression.  Richard is a pseudo name.

Reader beware of explicit language, however, these are Richard’s own words and it expresses how he feels from the inside.

“Currently, I feel like my worst enemy.  When I wake up in the morning, instead of praying or thanking God for being alive and for a new day or whatever, I basically just curse the day, “oh shit!! Back to the fucking grind!!”

Depression is a debilitating illness that needs professional help and interventions.  The best tool commonly used by experts is CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).  In layman’s terms, CBT is a therapeutic intervention that equips people with skills to identify unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and behaviours and strategies to unlearn these to allow for helpful actions.

“My friends and family recognise I have a problem but the things they say to me just make matters worse.  For example, some tell me to snap out of it, get my shit together, or to cheer up!  These statements just make me feel like a failure or a fool who can’t cope with life stresses and shit!   Most times I just sit in one position just thinking shit up and feeling suicidal and hating the fucking world.

This problem is eating me from the inside out and I feel hopeless like there’s no point to life.  It is one problem after another.  My wife left because she couldn’t cope with my fluctuating moods and temper.  I can’t explain for anyone to understand the voices in my head.  There’s a monster who lives there and reminds me constantly of what a loser I am.  I will never make it in this life or any other life for that matter.  When I go to bed, I only sleep when my body is exhausted from the thoughts in my mind.  I only sleep for a few hours though, then I wake up to racing thoughts.  I’m always exhausted and hate waking up.  Waking up to face the struggles of the day and my life, waking up to face a bleak freaking day.

I know I need help but I worry I might bump into someone I know in the nutter house and then everyone will know I have failed to make it in this land of milk and honey. People from my country can’t keep these things to themselves. Fucking idiots! I also don’t want to be a burden to anyone.  I don’t want to take medications because they don’t work and will only make me feel worse.  I have basically no future and I am unlovable.  If I end up in a ward, how will I work?  My elderly mother depends on me.  she is not well.  She’s the only reason I’m still alive – I wouldn’t want to break her heart, otherwise, I’d be out of here.  I used to be the life and soul of any party, now I feel like I’m chasing a shadow of the confident person I used to be.  I never imagined in a million years I’d be thinking of ending it all.  I feel trapped and isolated.

Richard’s story is not unique.  Many people from his community suffer in silence.  They don’t trust the doctors and nurses who have taken very serious vows and codes of ethics to help those in need.  However, Richard has taken the first step into recovery by telling his story out loud.  The next logical step is to seek professional help which is readily available, resources at the bottom of this post.

The most important thing for anyone going through depression is in understanding that the road to recovery is not paved in gold, and the only person who can truly help you, is you.  Recognise you have a problem, seek help and stick to the interventions recommended by professionals.

Depression is an illness like any other.  If you broke your arm, you wouldn’t hide it and hope it would heal – you’d go A&E at the earliest opportunity.  Why should mental health conditions be any different?  Seek professional help.  There are many people in similar situations, and Richard has given hope to others in his community by telling his story. What Richard doesn’t realise is that telling his story shows he is resilient, and therefore can overcome anything.

I said to Richard to show himself love the way he shows his mother love.  The only way to love others is by loving yourself well.  Taking care of your mental wellbeing is part of showing up for yourself and loving yourself.

Note:  Richard was referred to reputable places to access help and advised to go to A&E if the suicidal thoughts persisted.  In the UK almost all A&E departments have a psych liaison nurse to assess and signpost patients.

Do not suffer in silence.  Help is out there. Recovery from depression requires total commitment.

Helpful resources.




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